I woke up once more at three in the morning to go to the bathroom. And again, I struggle to fall asleep. In an attempt to make sense of all the feelings, I’ve decided to write you this letter.
We came full term and it’s already a day past your due date. I can feel my tummy tightening, the familiar Braxton Hix contractions preparing my body for labour. You move inside as if to reassure me that you are still okay.
I wonder if today will be THE day? Or will I be stretched a little more in waiting and in learning to trust in God’s perfect timing.
My thoughts race in a thousand directions; doubt and fear standing first in line. And I have to remind myself again of the words by an unknown author my mom has quoted so often: “When you cannot sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
My heart goes out to my mom and dad who probably have had more sleepless nights in the past 80 days than anyone else. Their sleepless nights began the day their only son left the farm saying he was going on a road-trip through South Africa – and disappeared without a trace.
It feels so unreal, like the kind of thing that only happens in movies or with other people. It is odd to see a picture of my own brother’s face (your uncle) on a missing person’s profile. I wonder if you will ever get to meet him.
As I prepare to give birth to you, I become more aware of the increase in pain and discomfort. As your mother, I feel torn…anxious to see your face and hold you, but fully aware that I have little time left to keep you safe within my womb.
When you enter this world, you will experience pain – it is inevitable. And I can at best hope to teach you a few things I’ve learned, and am still learning, in the midst of life’s disappointments and pain.
All we can do is to take it day by day
Always prayerful, as we wait for direction. Gripping tightly on to hope. Knowing that our Shepherd never sleeps.
I can assure you that our stories do not end here. Being born into this broken world, will only be the beginning of your journey. There may be struggles and trials along the way, and plenty moments of joy. Until the day comes when we will truly be delivered.
“Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.” – John 16 NKJV
The only way to make it through the pain is to hold on to the promise. In the same way, we get through the darkest nights by knowing that His joy comes to us in the morning.
Perhaps today will be the day – the day to be born or found, perhaps even delivered. We do not know the time, but we always have to be ready.
I pray that you will be a little light, beloved. And that you will help to show others the way out of the darkness in this world through the light of God’s love in your life. May you bring hope to the multitudes, for there are many who are in despair looking for a Savior.
I can’t wait to meet you!
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